Artemis Fowl Twisted Adventures
by Juliegirl22
Summary: Artemis Fowl, brilliant mastermind, kidnaps Holly Short, a dumb elf in the LEP. When he kidnaps the elf, he ends up getting more than he bargained for... Then, Opal actually manages to take over the World, but was it worth it? Later, Butler gets killed and Artemis's invention is stolen. Will Butler be brought back to life? Rated M for adult themes. More adventures coming!
1. Chapter 1

**Artemis Fowl Kidnaps Holly…And Regrets It.**

**This is set in the beginning of the series, when Artemis kidnaps Holly. However, he ends up regretting it. Holly is not quite what he expected. Warning: Butler and Artemis are a bit OC, but Holly is REALLY OC! Rated M for adult themes!**

Artemis had just sent Butler and Juliet from his study, having explained his plan to kidnap a fairy.

Soon, he would have a sizeable amount of gold to restore the Fowl Fortune.

He couldn't wait.

**Haven**

Captain Holly Short was not the best officer on the LEPrecon team. In fact, she was the worst. Everyday people wondered how she had gotten onto the team. How had she passed training? How had she gotten a job in the LEP?

Foaly figured she'd probably banged the right people to get on the job. After all, that was how Lili Frond got on the team.

Holly was called into Roots office.

"Short, your late!" he growled, his face red as usual. He chewed the end of his cigar and glared at Holly. "Well?"

Holly nibbled her nail. "I had to stop and get breeaakfassst!" she whined. "Spuds was a having a two for one sale on veggie breakfast potato sandwiches."

"You were late for work because of a couple of sandwiches!?" Root roared. His head looked ready to explode. "Listen, I have a job for you, and normally I would never send you, because you are an incompetent oaf, but we have nobody else at the moment. I need you to go to the surface, to Italy and find an escaped troll and get some surveillance. But you are not to do anything about it! Just wait until Retrieval gets there. Can you get some surveillance without bungling this job?"

"Yeah, sure," chirped Holly.

She got her equipment from Foaly, who wondered why Root even bothered sending her. She would likely bungle it.

Holly got into the shuttle and managed to pilot it to the surface without exploding it or herself. She picked her nose during the trip, which Foaly could see on the shuttles camera.

"Really, Holly?" asked Foaly, wincing when Holly flicked a booger at the camera screen.

"Mind your own business!" screeched Holly.

She crash landed the shuttle at the shuttle bay and got out and put her wings on and started them. She whizzed out of control for a moment and managed to right herself, dizzy and began to follow the dot on her helmet screen that showed her where to go look for the troll. She barely remembered to shield herself.

"It gnawed on a couple of cows and that bought us some time," said Foaly.

It wasn't hard to find the troll, even for someone with Holly's limited intelligence. She passed over the cow carcasses and began bawling.

"Those p-poor little cows!" she wailed. "Never will they moo again!"

"Holly, get a grip and keep focused!" Foaly yelled at her through the helmet.

"Don't you yell at me!" wailed Holly. "I must give them a proper burial!"

"W-what?" spluttered Foaly.

Holly melted some ground away with her Neutrino, leaving a sizable hole. Wincing, she pushed the cow bits into the hole and got some hay from a nearby haystack to bury them with. She knelt and a said prayer for the poor cows.

"HOLLY!" bellowed Foaly, when Holly was done.

"At least someone cared about the poor mooers!" said Holly. "Unlike you!"

She found the troll, who was roaring and swinging his club at a stone wall. The stones broke easily and the troll thundered up to the nearest building which was a restaurant.

Foaly could see through Holly's helmet cam. "This is bad."

"Where is Retrieval?" asked Holly.

"On their way, but it'll take another five minutes at least!" said Foaly.

A child cried for help in the restaurant.

"They need me!" shouted Holly.

Root got on the line. "Holly, I swear to Frond, don't go in there! That's a full grown bull troll."

"But somebody yelled for help!" said Holly.

"HOLLY!" roared Root.

"SUPER HOLLY TO THE RESCUE!" she shrieked, turning off communications.

The troll busted through the side of the building with ease. People screamed inside. Holly zoomed in with a war cry and tried to shoot the troll with her Neutrino.

The troll roared angrily and swiped at her.

"Hey, you're not supposed to see me!" yelled Holly, flying across the floor of the restaurant. She crashed into an empty table. "Owie!"

Holly realized far too late that her magic had run out and she was visible to everyone in the restaurant, including the troll.

A table leg had snapped off and Holly grabbed it. She had dropped her gun. She brandished the stick of wood at the troll.

"Back, I say, back!" yelled Holly, while the people in the restaurant stared in stunned horror. "Your time of doom is at hand!" she shouted, using a line from a movie she'd seen recently.

The troll roared and grabbed her. Holly kicked her legs and jabbed the stick at the troll. By sheer luck, she shoved the stick up its nose and into its brain. The troll roared and dropped her and fell over. She didn't know if it was dead, but at least it wasn't trying to kill anybody.

The people in the restaurant sat in stunned silence, looking at her, the troll, and the side of the building, which had been smashed apart.

Holly looked at the destroyed wall and then the people.

"Sorry," she told them in Italian. "I'm sure that will buff right out."

She took an orb from her pocket and placed it on the floor. She told them to look at it in Italian. Everybody leaned in, curious.

Holly closed her eyes and turned away as it flashed with a bang and everybody passed out. They would wake up later, with mass headaches. Oh well.

Exhausted, Holly sank into a chair and fell asleep.

A few minutes later, Root was smacking her face.

"Holly, wake up!" he yelled, looking a little concerned.

Holly opened her eyes, forgetting where she was. "Mom, just five more minutes."

"HOLLY!"

"Oh, hi, Root."

Root looked ready to have a stroke. "We thought the troll hurt you. You could have gotten yourself killed!"

"I saved the day! Yay!" shouted Holly.

Root shook with suppressed anger. "You and I are going to have a talk when we get back."

Holly pouted.

"Shield!" shouted somebody. "Somebody is coming!"

Everybody shielded. Holly, out of magic, couldn't though. A toddler wandered out of the bathroom and pointed a chubby finger at Holly and said something.

"You can't see me," whispered Holly, running to the wall and covering her eyes.

The toddler shrugged and crawled into its mother's lap and fell asleep.

"Holly, why didn't you shield?" roared Root.

"You can't seeeee meee!" whined Holly, peeping between her fingers.

"You mean you came up here with hardly any magic!"

Holly lowered her hands. "I-uh-"

"Go replenish, and get back to Haven, and to my office!" Root yelled. "NOW!"

"Aye aye Captain!" said Holly in her best pirate accent. She got her wings on and flew up into the sky.

She would go to Ireland. She knew of a spot where there wouldn't be a bunch of fairy hippies dancing about, since tonight was a full moon. She went over the ocean, skimming across until some dolphins came up to see her, chittering and diving through the waves, keeping pace with her.

"Hi, Holly!" said one, who knew her. Holly had seen these dolphins plenty of times, flying across the oceans.

"How's Uncle Bottlenose?" asked Holly, speaking dolphin.

"Pretty good," said the dolphin. "His nephew, Flappy, got one of those plastic things from the soda packs stuck around his neck, but we should be able to get it off before it chokes him to death."

"Cool, well, see you!" said Holly.

She flew across Ireland and found a spot where she could top up. She was not looking forward to the talk Root wanted to have. Maybe she should run away, become a renegade LEP. She could be like Batman, one of those Mud Men Superhero's she'd read about. Live life on her terms, fight crime, and not report to anyone but herself. Maybe Foaly would leave the LEP and be her butler.

Root would probably send a bunch of LEP people to arrest her.

She'd just have to suck it up and deal with Root. If he tried to fire her, she could offer him a hand job to get him to reconsider.

She landed and took her helmet off.

"Ah, sweet surface air," she said.

Several feet away, in a cam tent, were Artemis Fowl and Butler. They had been scoping out spots across Ireland, waiting for a fairy. Artemis, seeing a figure land, nudged Butler.

Butler grunted slightly. Too small to be an adult and the proportions were all wrong for a child.

Holly, oblivious to the hidden Mud Men, got and acorn and bent down to bury it.

A dart whizzed over her head.

She jumped up and got in a crouch. Two Mud Men approached.

"Stay back human," said Holly. "You don't know what you're dealing with."

_Yeah, that sounded cool, _thought Holly.

"On the contrary," said the smaller Mud Man. "You don't know what you're dealing with."

Holly tried to _mesmerize _them, using the last trickle of magic in her.

"You will go away and leave me alone," she intoned.

"No, we won't," said the bigger Mud Man.

"You are getting very sleepy," Holly continued. "You are under my spell!"

The Mud Men stepped closer and Holly could see they had on mirrored sunglasses.

_How does he know? _Holly thought. She did the next best thing she could. She tried to run.

A dart hit her right butt cheek and she fell down.

"Ow, my ass," she mumbled, before passing out.

She awoke later, on a bed, in what appeared to be a concrete cell. She felt disoriented a bit from the medicine.

"Hello," said a voice.

A Mud Man with raven hair stood there.

"You're awake."

"What have you done?" asked Holly. "Do you know I could turn you into a pile of pig droppings with my magic!? You will regret this!"

The human smiled.

"Or maybe troll droppings would be better…"

The human chuckled lightly. "You have no magic. I know all your secrets. We've had you on a drip for seventy two hours straight. You've told us all your Peoples secrets, plus your own."

Holly gasped and sat up. "You know all my secrets?"

The human smiled again. "All of them." He was lying, but Holly didn't know that.

"That time in the garage with my cousin was an accident!" said Holly. "We'd been drinking and-"

Artemis's smile faltered. "Never mind about that. Your People will likely want you back, so they will have to pay a large ransom of gold."

"What gold?" asked Holly.

"I know about everything, remember?" the human tipped his head slightly.

Holly nibbled her nails. "Shit."

The human left.

Holly sat on her cot, scared. She felt something digging in her side, and realized she had her acorn still…

A girl with blonde hair came in, wearing sunglasses too.

"Well, aren't you strange looking," said the human.

Holly glared at her. Maybe she could try flattery.

"Ohh, you're so pretty!" said Holly, batting her eyes. "What's your name?"

"Juliet," said the girl.

"I'm Holly," said Holly. "Ooh, what do you put in your hair to make it so soft looking?"

"Redken," said Juliet.

"I bet your eyes are stunning," said Holly.

Juliet giggled. "All the boys say they're pretty."

"Could I see them?"

Juliet shook her head. "He said not to take off the glasses."

"Who?" asked Holly.

"Artemis," said Juliet. She pointed to the camera.

"Oh, that meanie?" asked Holly. "Please? Just a second?"

"Well-" Juliet begin to take her glasses off then laughed. "I'm not stupid! He told me about your tricks!"

She left the room and Holly fumed. She was stuck in a cell, the prisoner of Mud Men. Her weapons and helmet were gone. She was helpless.

Hopefully, Root and the others would be on their way to help her. They would probably use that-that-what was it called? Time Halter Thingymabob-that thing that made time stop. They would swoop in and save her and then Blue Rinse the place.

Artemis, in his study, watched his prisoner on the camera. Holly was picking her nose.

"Really?" muttered Artemis. Holly looked around and then ate the booger on her finger.

Artemis turned away. His prisoner was a nose picking, booger eating fairy? What the hell had he gotten himself into? He had expected something of at least moderate intelligence.

Later, it turned out there were visitors. A group of fairies could be seen on the camera on the front avenue, ready to storm the place. Butler was sent out to deal with them. He dispatched most of them with roundhouse kicks and karate chops. The last one he left conscious. He picked it up and held it to his face.

The fairy was so scared, it farted, a loud wet one.

Butler shook the fairy. "You tell your superiors to bring someone to negotiate. And take all your comrades weapons and make a neat little pile.

The fairy was so terrified, it shit itself. "An officer never surrenders its weapons."

Butler shook the fairy again. "What was that?"

The fairy tried to speak proudly, despite the crap smell emanating from his soiled underpants. "An officer never surrenders his weapons!"

Butler smiled. "Just thought I'd try."

He released the fairy, who was wondering where he could get new underpants.

Later, Artemis went into the cell. Holly was pouting on her bed.

"Please just let me go!" she pleaded, clasping her hands and putting on the sad puppy look.

"That won't work with me," said Artemis.

Holly scooted off the bed and got on her knees. "Maybe we could work something out?"

"One of your superiors is coming, and I shall tell him what I want," said Artemis, greedily thinking of all the gold he could get.

Holly scooted closer on her knees and reached for Artemis's zipper. "Maybe I could do something for you and you let me go?"

"What the hell?" Artemis jumped backward. "You're crazy! I'm twelve!"

"I'm only eighty," said Holly.

"Eww!" said Artemis. "You're older than my grandma. Get away, you nut job!"

"No, I was going to give you a blow job, so _you _would nut-"

"I might press charges!" shouted Artemis, leaving the room.

Holly sat on the bed. She thought her idea would work. She had done it to get her job. Lili Frond had told her it would work whenever she needed or wanted something.

A bright idea sparked in Holly's brain (a true miracle). She began thumping the bed up and down, trying to crack the concrete, so she could plant her acorn and get her magic back.

She kept doing this, until the concrete did indeed begin to crack…

Butler stormed into the room. "What are you doing?"

"I'm so bored!" whined Holly. "You guys don't feed me anything!? I want a salad, with fat free dressing because I'm watching my figure and-oh screw it, give me a chocolate cake! I'm having a bad day. I'm also about to start my period in a few days and-"

Butler quickly rushed out before he had to hear anymore. He found some chocolate cake in the refrigerator and put a slice on a paper plate with a plastic spoon (not a fork in case the prisoner tried to gouge his eyes out). He brought it to Holly.

Holly's eyes got all big. "Ohh! Chocolate! You are my friend."

She stuffed her face with the cake, finishing it off in about thirty seconds flat. Then she figured she'd try her trick with Butler.

She got off the cot and reached up, trying to rub Butler's chest in what she thought was a sexy way. With Butler's height, she could barely reach his stomach.

"Oh, my big strong man," she purred. "My protector and bringer of chocolate cake."

"What are you doing?" asked Butler. "Get away. You're like a kid. I'm not a pedophile."

"But I am actually older than you," said Holly. She smiled, showing that her teeth had black bits of cake stuck between them. Not sexy. She spoke in a sultry voice and moved her hands lower and began to undo his belt buckle. "You just need an older woman to teach you the ways of love!"

Butler screamed like a little girl. "But I'm still a virgin!"

"I'll be gentle," said Holly, smiling wider.

"No!" screamed Butler, running from the room in terror. "I'm not ready!"

Juliet came in a moment later. "What'd you do to my brother? He's out in the hall sniveling and crying."

Holly didn't go for women, but Juliet was her last option and Holly was really desperate. "If you're a virgin, I'll be gentle."

Juliet's jaw fell open and she ran from the room.

Holly plopped on the bed. Well, she had tried everything.

She continued thumping the bed until the concrete cracked some more and she could bury her acorn. She did so and felt the magic enter her.

"Heehee," giggled Holly, shimmering out of view.

Artemis, fuming his study, was planning to ask for extra gold since the prisoner had just sexually assaulted two of them and made a pass at Juliet. He looked at the camera and saw Holly was gone.

"Juliet, go check on the prisoner," he barked through a radio.

"Fine," sighed Juliet. "But if she says anything to me, I'm knocking her out."

Juliet stomped down to the cell and looked around. Holly was gone.

"Can't see shit with these," mumbled Juliet, removing the glasses. "They're not even vintage yet-"  
Holly suddenly appeared, and began to _mesmerize _Juliet.

"You will stay here in the cell and let me out," she intoned.

"Ookkay," sighed Juliet. "But it'll be so boring…"

"There is a huge flat screen on the wall, wrestling all day," said Holly.

Juliet looked at the wall and her mouth dropped open, her mind supplying images that weren't there. "All right!"

Juliet sat on the bed and clapped as two of her favorite wrestlers went at it in a grudge match.

Holly skipped out the cell and locked it. She shimmered out of view. Time to make those Mud Boys pay…

Butler, doing his rounds, tripped on a string drawn across the stairs. He landed on his face at the bottom, and the next thing he knew, someone was pulling his underwear out the back of his pants and over his head.

"WEDGIE!" shrieked an invisible voice.

"NO!" screamed Butler, flailing. "THESE ARE MY BEST BOXERS! MINIMAL SKID MARKS!"

Leaving Butler with the worst wedgie in history, Holly skipped up the stairs, giggling. She had take Butler's radio and now she held it up to her bum, before letting one rip.

Artemis heard a fart in the radio. "Juliet, if that was you that is not funny!"

He glared at the camera and noticed Juliet was in the cell, sitting on the bed, clapping and giggling. Her sun glasses were gone. Butler was at the bottom of the stairs, struggling. He appeared to have received an atomic wedgie.

His study door suddenly opened and shut.

"I know you're in here," said Artemis, angrily.

Suddenly he felt wind in face and smelled something awful.

Artemis just got his face farted on.

"Ugh!" shouted Artemis.

Suddenly he felt a small fist wham him in the crotch.

"My balls…" moaned Artemis, collapsing on the floor.

Holly left the room and ran around the manor. She wound rubber bands around the spray nozzle in the kitchen, so if someone turned the water on they would get squirted. She put salt in the sugar containers and sugar in the salt containers. She hid all the toilet paper in all the bathrooms. She took a dump in Artemis's bed. She found a couple of neon vibrators in Angeline's bedside drawer and put one on Butler's pillow. She took tampons from Juliet's bathroom and colored them red and brown with lipsticks from her makeup. Once she was sure they looked real enough, she spread them around Butler and Artemis room. She also found prank itching powder in Angeline's room and mixed some into all of Juliet's foundation, eye shadow and blush. She peed in some face lotion of Juliet's and mixed it in real good and added some itching powder to thicken it back up.

Giggling, she skipped down to the kitchen and turned the thermostat way up in the fridge so all the food would go bad.

Artemis, recovered from his attack, ran out in the foyer of the house.

"HOLLY! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"

A bright orange vibrator suddenly whizzed through the air and hit him in the cheek.

"I found that in your mum's drawer," said a voice.

Artemis yelled and swiped at his face. "EW!"

Butler was still fighting with his wedgie. "Help meeee!"

Holly tried to run past Artemis. Artemis seen the slight haze and stuck his foot out. Holly tripped and hit her head. Artemis quickly helped Butler out of his wedgie.

The door bell rang.

"This is Commander Root! I've come to negotiate for the prisoner!"

"He can have her!" said Artemis, nodding to Butler.

Root was very surprised when the door suddenly opened and there was Mud Mountain. Butler was holding Holly by her neck and her belt and he flung her outside.

"You can have her!" shouted Artemis. "Forget the gold! I'm pressing charges! Your elf sexually harassed us, physically assaulted us, and screwed with a bunch of shit in our house! You will be hearing from out lawyers."

The door slammed shut.

"Wow," said Root.

Holly sat up.

"What did you do to them?" asked Root.

"Well, I took a poo in Artemis's bed, gave Butler a wedgie-"

"Never mind," said Root. "Let's get out of here. Guess we don't need to blue rinse the place."

A week later, Artemis received an email on his computer from Holly, saying he didn't need to bring lawyers into it if he would let her do him a little "favor."

The End.


	2. Chapter 2

**Opal's Rules the World**

**This Chapter is unrelated to the first one, as this Fic in itself is a hodgepodge of the Fowl books, twisted to my humor. This Chapter was inspired by Painted Cricket and her comment. Thanks Painted Cricket! **

**Some characters will be OC at times (especially Holly), and you can disregard the plotline of the main series in this (at least for now). Root is alive, and Opal hasn't teamed up with Cudgeon to do the Goblin Rebellion. She's going for world domination in a different way.**

Opal sat in her Hover Boy, thinking. She had been working toward this day for years, under everyone's nose. No but her and Merv and Scant knew about the master plan.

The chair groaned under her weight as she shifted and reached for a bowl of truffles and smiled smugly to herself.

The world was about to be under her control…

_Haven_

Holly, the dumbest elf in the LEP, was flying a shuttle threw a chute, on her way to Fowl Mansion. After Artemis had tried to kidnap her, she'd been told to keep an eye on the Mud Boy, in case he decided to try any other tricks involving the people.

"Wheeeee!" she shouted, flying the shuttle, and almost crashing into the wall.

She somehow made it out without crashing it and landed at a shuttle port. She activated her wings and flew to Fowl Manor, doing loop de loops and singing the Pizza song.

She arrived at Fowl Manor and found an open window. She peeked, shielded. It was Artemis's study and he was busy on his laptop, clattering away on the keyboard.

She flew in silently.

_Stealth, _she thought to herself. _Like a ninja._

Her foot hit a small spinning globe on a table under the window and it fell down.

Artemis jumped in his chair.

"Oops," said Holly, aloud.

"Holly, I recognize your voice," said Artemis.

Holly swore and remembered, just because you'er invisible, that doesn't mean you can't still knock stuff over, and her visor was up, so anyone could hear her voice.

Well, he already knew she was there.

She unshielded.

"Hi, sexy!" she said.

"W-what?" spluttered Artemis.

"I said, HI SEXY!" shouted Holly. "Whatcha doin?"

Artemis stared at her for a moment. "What are you doing in my manor? I kidnapped you and let you go, since you were such a pain and sexually assaulted myself, Butler, and Juliet."

Holly plopped in a chair. "Well, ever since your little trick to try and get fairy gold, Foaly and Root said I'm supposed to watch you, in case you try to do something else that involves the people. Oopsie."

Holly realized she'd said too much.

_Flashback_

_Root shouted at Holly in his office._

"_Go and watch the Fowl boy, make sure he isn't up to anything else that involves us," Root had roared. "And for the love of Frond, don't let him know you're watching him!"_

_End Flashback_

Holly clamped a hand over her mouth. "Rewind. I never said any of that."

"I guess I'm not supposed to know you're here watching me," said Artemis, with a smug grin.

"Don't know what you're talking about," said Holly.

"Well, the dogs out of the bag now," said Holly.

"Cat?" asked Artemis.

"What cat?" asked Holly, looking around. "You got a cat? I want to see!"

Artemis groaned and went back to his computer.

"Don't bother me."

"Are you plotting a way to get gold from us again?" asked Holly, leaping up and bounding around his desk.

"HOLLY!" shouted Artemis. "Listen, go buzz off."

"Listen, since I'm here, we should go out or something," said Holly.

"Huh?" asked Artemis.

"You're so cute and sexy," said Holly, dreamily looking at him.

"You've got Stockholm syndrome," said Artemis, which was a syndrome where kidnapped people develop a bond to their captors.

"Stockhelm what?" asked Holly.

"Never mind," muttered Artemis. "And why the hell would I, a twelve year old boy, go out with and eighty year old fairy?"

"Because I'm pretty!" Holly batted her eyelashes.

"I'm not in the habit of dating child molesters," said Artemis.

"Technically, I'm pretty close your age," said Holly. "Us fairies age differently than you humans, remember?"

Artemis grumbled something under his breath. Butler suddenly came in, and seeing Holly, drew his Sig Sauer.

Holly screeched and dove under a side table, her rump sticking out.

"It's fine," said Artemis. "She's supposed to be watching me, in case I'm plotting something else."

"Oh," said Butler.

"You're not still mad at me for trying to take your virginity are you?" asked Holly, peeping out. "I mean, I really only did it so you'd hopefully let me go."

"You're still a virgin?" asked Artemis.

"Holly, be quiet!" shouted Butler. "Only Juliet knew that!"

Artemis plugged his ears. "I don't want to know anymore. Lalalalala-"

Holly's helmet beeped. There was a video call coming in.

Root's red face appeared in her screen. "HOLLY! WHAT THE HELL! I TOLD YOU TO NOT LET HIM KNOW WE ARE WATCHING HIM! AND WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU UNSHIELD AND HAVE A CHAT WITH HIM! I SWEAR YOU'RE FIRED WHEN YOU GET BACK-"

"Blah, blah, blah," muttered Holly hitting mute. She giggled, seeing Root, not realizing he was muted, still shouting and pointing and the screen.

She knew they wouldn't really fire her. With budget cuts, it would cost more money to train and hire someone else, and wasn't worth it.

Artemis, looking at something on his computer, suddenly jerked his head up.

"Troll attack?"

"What about trolls?" asked Holly, cutting communication with Root.

"The live news from America says trolls are rampaging through New York City," said Artemis.

Another video call was trying to come in. Holly answered it.

Foaly's face appeared. "Holly, trolls are popping up everywhere in the world! They're attacking towns and cities! There are millions of them and we don't know where they are coming from!"

_Opal's hideout, somewhere underground._

Opal giggled evilly to herself, unwrapping a truffle.

"Isn't it wonderful!" she chortled.

"Yes," agreed Merv and Scant. They eyeballed each other. Opal getting quite obese. She'd really been downing the truffles lately.

Opal shifted her growing butt in her chair, greedily chewing truffles. Oh, how she loved truffles! They were the best thing ever!

She looked at the screens on her massive computer. She'd spent years cloning trolls. She had millions of them, all with a chip in their brain. Her plan had been to hide them through the world an when she was ready activate the chip, and they would go forth and take over the world, killing and destroying millions in the process. A few would be kept as slaves. Once the pesky humans were dealt with, she'd take over Haven.

And all she had to do was watch and eat truffles.

_Fowl Mansion_

Butler and Holly tried to protect Artemis and Juliet. But the trolls were already in Ireland, Dublin to be exact, and were smashing a path of destruction to the Fowl Manor.

Nobody made it.

_Opal's lair_

The massacre went on for days.

Opal's five chins jiggled as she sat in giggling in her chair, which was now planted firmly on the ground. She'd gotten so fat the levitation on her Hover Boy had failed.

Opal laughed, causing all her rolls to ripple, as rulers of multiple worldwide countries were taken prisoner. The humans who had held high positions would now be her slaves, and would serve her.

The human slaves were brought to her lair and assigned jobs. There were toilets to be cleaned, truffles to be made, and somebody had to clean the sweat from Opal's many rolls.

Once the human world was pretty much destroyed, the trolls went for Haven. The LEP fought back bravely, but there were so many, it was hopeless. The entire fairy civilization was decimated, and not a single fairy was left alive.

Opal reclined in her chair, her rolls hiding pretty much all of the Hover Boy. Somebody, the king of France, or maybe it was Lithuania, or China, (Opal didn't know and didn't care) was cleaning under her fat rolls, wincing at the smell of BO emanating from her.

"I am the ruler of the world," she said proudly. "And aren't I a beautiful ruler?"

She grinned, her five chins waggling. Merv and Scant nodded eagerly.

"Oh, you are the absolute picture of loveliness."

"Gorgeous, no one is prettier!"

Opal purred happily, basking the fake comments, while her ego grew another notch.

But lately, she'd been having some chest pains. And it was hard to get around. She fallen through a part of the floor in her room the night before and Merv and Scant had had to rig a sort of rope and pulley system to winch her out. It hadn't worked at first and they had had to use a gallon of butter to grease her up and try again.

Plus, her arms had grown so fat, she couldn't even reach her mouth. Someone had to hand feed her truffles.

Now that the world was destroyed and she ruled who was left, she realized there was nothing to do. She had achieved her goal and now what?

Maybe should set a new goal, and lose some weight. She didn't want the falling through the floor fiasco to happen again.

How much would she lose? Five pounds should be good.

"Merv, Scant," she said. "I decided to lose some weight. Five pounds should be good right?"

"Uhhh, five hundred?" asked Merv.

"What did you say?" shouted Opal.

"Five pounds should be good!" Merv said quickly.

"I wonder how," said Opal. "Computer, bring up the location of the nearest Weight Watchers."

The computer hummed for a moment and then the computer answered. "Opal, all Weight Watcher locations have been destroyed, courtesy of you."

"Oh." Opal sat, defeated.

"But you could try walking, and laying of the truffles, you fat ass," the computer answered.

"WHAT?!" Opal roared. She struggled to her feet, her massive fat rolls hanging to the ground and huffed and puffed over to the computer and beat it with her flabby fists.

Once the computer had been destroyed, she ordered Merv and Scant to fix it while she huffed and wheezed her way out of the room.

She hadn't thought of this before destroying the world. Even if she did lose some weight, what would she do after? Humans and fairies alike were defeated. There was nothing left to do, except torment the few humans left to do her bidding. But even that would get boring after a few days.

She couldn't stand the idea of being so bored for the rest of her life.

What had she done?

But she didn't get to worry about it, because fell down the stairs and landed on her back. A fat roll smacked her in the face and then lay there, covering her face. Her arms were fat to move up enough to move it, and she suffocated, due to her own flab.

Opal was done for.

_Haven_

Holly jumped in bed. She'd just had the weirdest dream. Some pixie named Opal had destroyed the world and then died, suffocated from her own fat. Weird…

She turned over and fell asleep, farting as she did so.

The End.

**Okay, it wouldn't be much fun if everyone **_**really **_**died.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Holly and Artemis Save Artemis Fowl Senior**

** Characters are very OC, especially Holly.**

_Haven_

Haven had a big problem. The short of it was this: there was a goblin rebellion. Holly, the dumbest elf in the LEP, had accidentally stumbled across a hidden store of softnose lasers and other weapons, one night, trying to stumble home drunk from a local bar.

Foaly had Artemis brought in to use the retina mager to see if he had anything to do with it, but he hadn't. Artemis said he would help the fairies, if they helped him find his Father, who was being held for a ransom.

So now the group found itself in the Arctic, freezing there nipples off.

Holly bundled up in a fluffy pink coat, shivered as she followed Artemis, Butler, and Trouble through the snow.

"I'm cold!" whined Holly. "I want hot chocolate!"

"Remind me why I brought you along," snarled Trouble. "You are the most incompetent, stupidest-"

"Because everyone else was busy," said Holly.

Suddenly, three goblins popped up, wearing wings and holding soft noses. They fired and caused an avalanche of ice to fall on Butler and Trouble, trapping them. They thought the ice had killed them, as well as Holly and Artemis, but they were wrong. Thinking they had done their job, one goblin shot the other two in the back and flew back, chuckling and hugging himself, to report and hopefully get a promotion.

"Shit!" swore Holly, seeing Butler and Trouble trapped in the ice. There were icicles like bars blocking the two from getting out.

"If you pull us through, the ice will crush us to death," said Trouble. "Just go with Artemis.

"No!" blubbered Holly.

"I have an idea," said Artemis. He handed some line to Butler and Trouble and they tied it about their waists. He then pointed to a train chugging along a track through the snow. "We get on that train and secure the line and you guys get yanked out so fast, you won't have time to get crushed.

"Well, you better hurry, brainy boy!" yelled Trouble.

Holly and Artemis took off for the train, running. Artemis huffed and puffed.

"I'm not good at this!" he puffed, wishing he hadn't started sneaking his dad's cigars to smoke.

"Hurry!" shouted Holly.

They ran alongside the train, which was so radiated, it was green. They jumped and grabbed hold of an iron ladder.

"You climb up," said Artemis. "My strength is spent. I can barely hold on."

Holly grunted and pulled herself on top of the moving car. Artemis had the line tied around his waist and it would run out soon. When that happened, he would be yanked off the train and likely killed. Holly had to hurry. She used some dwarf polish to melt the hatch on top of the car and dropped in. It was filled with barrels of some kind of radioactive stuff. Holly melted the lock on the door and hauled it open, the wind threatening to snatch her and fling her out. She reached out to Artemis.

"Grab my hand!"

Artemis did and Holly yanked him in. However the door started to ram shut, due to the wind, and Artemis felt a pain before he and Holly collapsed on the floor and passed out.

Holly awoke to Trouble.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID!" he roared.

"What?" asked Holly, looking around blankly.

"HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET HIS WANG LOPPED OFF!" Trouble yelled, holding up the severed dong in question.

Holly stared, horrified. "I don't know, the door started to shut and-"

Butler groaned. "How will I explain to his mother that his sausage got chopped off in the arctic?"

"We can put it back with magic," said Trouble, yanking the unconscious Artemis's pants down. "Holly, hold it in place."

Holly looked perplexed. "Should I hold it with my mouth?"

"What-no!" shouted Trouble. "Use your hands."

"Oh, hand job, okay."

Holly held it while Trouble used his magic to reattach it.

Artemis woke up with his pants down and thought they were trying to rape him.

"GET AWAY!" he shouted.

"It's okay, I reattached your wang," said Trouble. "Just make sure you use it a bit, to make sure it's okay."

"U-use it?" asked Artemis.

"Bang your girlfriend or something."

"I'm THIRTEEN!"

"Whack it off then."

"I can help!" said Holly.

"No!" Artemis looked horrified.

They jumped off the train and made it to the rendezvous where Artemis Senior was being held. Artemis, using binoculars, could see a man holding his father far way on a ledge.

Artemis called the kidnappers on his phone.

"I have the money," said Artemis.

"We have your dad," said the kidnapper. "Now, to make the exchange-"

"Oops."

The second kidnapper whirled around to see the first guy. He was standing there, empty handed.

"I dropped him."

Artemis Senior was falling to the icy waters below.

"YOU IDIOT!" bellowed the second. "YOU DROPPED HIM! NOW WHAT TO DO WE DO!?"

"Boss is gonna be mad!" shouted the first guy.

A shot fired. Butler had fired at them and missed.

"You getting rusty?" asked Holly.

The men ran, not wanting to think what their boss would say when he found out.

Holly flew into the water and grabbed Artemis Senior and saved him

"Yay, I saved the day!" shouted Holly, bringing Artemis Senior back.

Artemis Senior was dumped off a hospital in Sweden, so he would be found by people and nobody would know fairies helped saved him. Everyone else returned to Haven to deal with the Goblin Rebellion.

It was about to be over soon.

The goblins, shooting up Haven, decided this was bonkers.

"We can't really expect to win, can we?" asked one goblin, suddenly, lowering his weapon.

"What do you mean?" shouted another. "Blast these LEP fools! Then we can release our brothers from Howlers Peak!"

"Come on!" said the first. "You know, in these stories, the bad guys never wins. The good guys always stop the bad guys. We should just stop now."

Other goblins nodded and grumbled he was right, licking their eyeballs. Bad guys almost never succeeded in stories. It was fate.

"Let's just all be friends!" shouted the first goblin, to the LEP hiding behind barricades. The LEP lowered their weapons and looked puzzled. Was it a trick?

"Kuuummmmbaaayyaaa!" one goblin started sing.

It was the Kumbaya Song! No one would start to sing that unless they were honest!

The LEP started singing it too.

"Kumbaya! My lord! Kumbaya!"

They all kept singing and in a minute, the goblins and LEP were singing and hugging each other. They started to rebuild and fix the damaged parts of the city, singing happily to each other.

"NO! NO! NO!" Opal came running, screeching her head off.

"How come you ain't singing?" asked one goblin. "Come on! Were at peace now! Come sing with us and fix the city.

"THE HELL WITH YOU!" shouted Opal, stomping her feet. "You're supposed to be shooting the LEP! "

"She refuses to sing Kumbaya!" shouted an LEP agent. "GET HER!"

Opal ran screaming through the city and was captured and placed in prison. She wasn't sentenced for causing a riot, or supplying illegal weapons to goblins. She was sentenced for refusing to sing the Kumbaya song.

Artemis returned home happily and so did Holly. The world was safe.

For now…


	4. Chapter 4

**Artemis Fowl: Twisted Adventures Chapter Four:** **Artemis Get's Himself and Butler in Deep Doo Doo Once More.**

**Thanks to GoldenRune09 and Painted Cricket for favoriting this story, and Painted Cricket, TheBigCat, and bfd0902 for following it, Painted Cricket, The BigCat and Goldenrune09, and Majorarmybro for reviewing it!**

** This chapter will be longer than the others. The third book in the series just seemed to have a whole lot more going on, and I couldn't figure out how to shorten it too much. For those of you who like Austin Powers, and Artemis Fowl, there are some references, see if you can recognize it!**

**The idea in the beginning of this was from GrenadesIsPRO. Thanks GrenadesIsPRO! **

Holly was the dumbest elf in the LEP, and some said the sluttiest, although it was hard to decide between her and Corporal Frond.

Right now she drifted into Artemis's open bedroom window and dumped her pack on the floor. She cut her wings and took her helmet off. She had a vacation to take and decided to spend it here, despite Root yelling at her not too.

_Flashback:_

_ "Holly, I'm giving you some time to spend above ground, go visit Disney World or something, you'll fit in, however, DO NOT VISIT THE FOWL BOY!" he yelled._

_ "Okeydokey," said Holly, picking at her nails, not really paying attention, wondering if a shirt she'd seen at Lacy's had gone on clearance yet._

_ End Flashback_

Oops.

Well, she decided to come here anyway, because she'd been to Disney like a million times.

Artemis was passed out in bed. He looked so cute and dreamy, Holly sighed.

She took her wings and helmet off and crawled onto the bed and slid the blanket off Artemis. He was wearing silk pajama bottoms with she slid off with ease and began playing with his bobbly bits, before lowering her head.

Artemis was having the nicest dream. He was in his bathroom, just having taken a shower. Megan Fox suddenly came into bathroom, naked.

"I love you, Artemis Fowl, I always have!" she said, fluttering her long lashes and brushing her long, lush, silky hair over a bare shoulder.

Artemis, combing his hair, dropped the comb, his eyes riveted on her boobs and other areas.

"Megan Fox?" he asked. "But you're like one of the hottest people in the Hollywood!"

"And now I'm all yours!" she said, grabbing Artemis and ripping his towel off.

Holly (in the real world) was busy giving Artemis some good fashioned pleasure with her mouth. Artemis stirred and gave a happy moan.

In his dream, Megan Fox threw him on the bed and began doing things to him that he'd only dreamed of.

"Ohhh, Megan Fox, I love you!" he said.

Suddenly Artemis jerked awake. It was only a dream-wait-he felt something quite nice downstairs.

He jerked his head up, expecting to actually see Megan Fox, but instead it was Holly, busy with her mouth

"AHHGG! GET OFF!"

Holly jerked away.

"YOU MAN RAPER!" shouted Artemis, jerking his pajama bottoms back on.

"What?" asked Holly, looking innocent.

"I was having the most wonderful dream about Megan Fox, and here you come, doing _things _to me."

Holly pouted. "But I like you, Artemis. You're so sexy!"

"Ugh, what is your problem?" Artemis scooted away from her. "You're a perv. I'm a human, you're a fairy, it'll never work. What are you doing here anyway?"

"I'm on vacation," said Holly. "Root said not to come here, and that I should go to Disney or something like that, but I didn't want too."

"You can't stay here!" said Artemis.

"But your parents are off and it's just Butler and you," said Holly. "I checked. Oh, and Juliet."

"Still-" began Artemis, but Holly was grabbing her bag. She went to the bathroom and changed into fluffy pajamas with little Pikachu's all over them.

"Really?" asked Artemis, looking at the Pikachu pajamas.

"Yeah, aren't they cute?" asked Holly, twirling in them. "Pokémon is really popular in Haven now."

"What, amongst the kids?" asked Artemis.

Holly squinted. "N-no." Total lie.

"Yeah, right. Go down the hall, and find a bedroom to crash in."

"No, I'm staying here!" said Holly, crawling under the blankets of the bed.

"No!"

"Yes!" said Holly. She beat with a pillow until he relented.

"Fine! Fine!" Artemis went to his closet and pulled out several more pillows, one for Holly to lay her head on, and the other to create a (hopefully) Holly proof barrier down the middle of the bed.

He set barrier pillows in a line down the middle.

"MY side, YOUR side," he said, pointing directly to each side of the pillow barrier.

"Okay," pouted Holly.

They lay down to sleep. Somehow, Holly got past the barrier in her sleep. Artemis awoke to find pillows strew everywhere, and Holly was snugly wrapped around him, drooling onto his shoulder.

He sighed. She was hopeless.

He shrugged her off. Holly grumbled and grabbed him in a death grip.

"Five more minutes," she slurred.

Butler came, and, seeing his principle locked in a death grip, took out his Sig Sauer.

"BUTLER! WAIT!" shouted Artemis. "It's just Holly."

"Oh my gosh, did you two do it or something?"

"No!" shouted Artemis, reddening. "Just-just go downstairs and get some coffee for us. Remember I have my lunch with Jon Spiro today, to show him my new invention."

"Oh, yeah," said Butler. "Okay."

He lumbered off. Artemis pried Holly off him, which required near super human strength and jumped out of bed. Holly wrapped her limbs around the blankets and smiled happily. "Love you Artemis…"

Artemis took a shower, locking his door securely, so Holly wouldn't barge in and attack him in the shower or something. When he was finished, and was dressed, he opened the door to find Holly hunched over, a lock pick in her hand.

"I wasn't picking the lock," she lied.

"So you just stand around hunched over, with a lock pick in your fingers?"

"Y-yeesss."

"Holly, you never cease to amaze me," he said. "You can shower or whatever, and stay up here. I have to leave for the day."

Holly pouted. "Whhhyyyyeeeeee?"

"I have lunch with someone today to discuss business."

He'd gotten a TV in his room, so he turned it on. Wonder Pets was on.

"Here you go."

"Ooohh!" squealed Holly. "There so cute!"

Leaving Holly enraptured with the TV, he went downstairs and asked Butler to bring Holly breakfast.

They left later, Holly now watching Dora the Explorer and responding to everything Dora asked.

"VAMOS!" they heard Holly shout at the TV as they left the house.

"Really? Dora?" asked Butler.

"She's not the sharpest tool in the shed," replied Artemis, checking his project.

At the restaurant, the waiter asked Artemis if he wanted to order off the child's menu instead, when he ordered a shard and swordfish medley, with potatoes.

"We have dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets," said the waiter.

"No, and spring water, no ice."

Artemis's guest, Jon Spiro came, with his huge bodyguard, Arno Blunt.

"Be careful," muttered Butler.

Jon Spiro was quite intrigued with Artemis's new invention. Artemis explained the C-Cubes qualities: It was a verbally controlled TV, computer, mobile phone, and diagnostic aid. It could read any information, electronic or organic, retrieve e-mail, hack computers, scan your chest to see your heart rate, and even play Bejeweled. It even had the Fashion Police App, where you scan a picture of yourself in an outfit, and it either compliments you, if you picked something good, or says something scathing and rude if you picked something hideous. To show Spiro a short demo, he scanned pictures of them all into it. Artemis and Butler, in their Armani and Hugo Boss suits got good reviews. Butler got an A plus, with a comment of "You sexy hunk!" and Artemis got an A plus as well, his comment being, "If I were a human and not a computer, I'd bang you right now!"

Jon Spiro awaited his rating and comment eagerly.

The C-Cube scanned his image. "You sir, look like an idiot. This ain't the nineteen seventies, no more! You like a skuzzy old pimp in all that white and gold jewelry. What are you compensating for? Tiny di-"

"Hey!" shouted Spiro.

"I give you a D…"

Spiro fumed.

"…minus."

Spiro nearly had smoke coming from his ears.

"Okay, so you gave it an attitude," said Spiro. "I need more proof."

"Anything you like," said Artemis.

Spiro pulled a little black zip case from his pocket and opened it, thumbing through CD's. He found one. He couldn't remember what was on it, since the front was blank.

"Play this."

Artemis did so. The screen lit up. The words Black Poles Will Be Ramming White Holes popped up and suddenly the screen showed an interracial couple banging each other. Loud moans and other rude noises were heard throughout the restaurant. Everybody stopped eating and stared.

Artemis quickly turned the volume. "Sorry, ah, malfunction."

"Oh, snap, forgot about that one," said Spiro, quickly taking his DVD. "Gotta watch that later," he mumbled, putting it away. "All right, Fowl, one more test. Tell me if the CIA is watching me.

The C-Cube did indeed register a satellite that was probing the nearby area, plus an LEP probe. Artemis quickly muted it.

"What? What was that? LEP?" Spiro looked at the device.

"Lebanon radio," Artemis lied quickly. He had forgotten the device could pick up fairy communications. He would have to fix that. In the wrong hands, Haven would be discovered.

"How much?"

"Not for sale," said Artemis. "I'm giving you the option to sell your stocks and buy into Fowl Industries, if I hold this back for a couple of years, since it will render everything obsolete."

Spiro pouted and banged his fists on the table, like a petulant toddler. "I want it now!"

"No deal."

"Then I'll take it! Mine!" shouted Spiro, grabbing it.

Arno Blunt and Butler stood up.

"Game over," said Spiro, looking at his new device, the way a baby looks at a new toy he his delighted with. "Now, before the CIA tracking beam gets me, I'm outta here! Blunt, do my dirty work for me."

"With pleasure." Arno Blunt smiled.

Spiro skipped out. Artemis was annoyed and surprised. "Really, were in a place with civilians-"

Everyone, including the staff, pulled weapons from their pockets and purses. One old lady, her hands shaking, pulled a pistol out, and gave them a toothless smile.

"RAINBOW!" shouted Artemis, letting his jaw go slack.

The small device planted under their table went off. Everybody got smacked into walls and teeth shattered (except for the toothless lady, seeing as that they were already gone). Everybody would have mass headaches and be seeing stars for the next few days. Butler held onto Artemis, protecting him.

"Let me check the back." He disappeared.

Artemis closed his eyes and huffed out a breath of relief. A hulking figure appeared in front of him.

"Butler, we should raise your salary from $4.75 a day to at least $5.00-"

It was Arno, a pair of earplugs in his hands, although his teeth were a wreck, like somebody had punched him in the mouth repeatedly. He aimed a gun and fired.

Something crashed into Artemis. It was Butler. He took the bullet and fired at Blunt. A bullet skimmed Arno's head, knocking him out. Artemis and Butler crashed into a dessert cart.

"Butler," said Artemis, wiping a pie off his face. "BUTLER!"

"My name is Domovoi," said Butler, gasping, his chest wound fatal.

"No!" said Artemis tears forming in his eyes. "You can't die! You promised to explain how the birds and the bees work later!"

Butler gave a shuddering gasp and died. Artemis, thinking fast, began pushing the dessert cart into the kitchen and opened a freezer. He shoved Butler inside.

"I just need time," he said, cleaning himself at the sink. He called a friend from the police force, asking him to make sure no one checked the freezer.

He quickly left through a hole in the wall. People were laying around moaning, some with their heads through the walls, arms and legs wiggling weakly.

Artemis knew the location of a cryogenic freezer place, where rich people, including Mr. Walt Disney, had themselves frozen, in the hopes that future technology would be able to have them resurrected, so that they, the undead, could rampage upon humanity.

Artemis talked to the lady who ran the place. She had done waaay to much plastic surgery. Her tits were too huge, too round, and too high. The rock hard nipples were nearly at her chin, in her special made wonder bra. The women, seeing a potential customer, reached behind her and used a small crank attached to the strap, cranking her boobs up another notch.

"Heffo!" she smiled, barely able to speak through lips pumped with so much collagen, they could double as pillows. Her nose had had too many operations and now faintly resembled Michael Jacksons nose. The area around her eyes and forehead were pumped with Botox, and she had lost all ability to use muscles in those areas, rendering her with a perpetually surprised look. She had enough eye shadow, concealer, eye liner, and mascara, and lipstick to paint an entire city.

Artemis explained what he needed, and offered her way more money that what was normally charged.

"It'll be in your account by midnight."

The lady looked at herself in a mirror. "I definitfly need a anofer noshe job," she slurred through pumped up lips. "And my fips are fooking a liffle shlack."

She agreed and soon, Artemis got Butler into the cryogenic van and called Holly.

Holly was lounging on the bed, finally dressed, nibbling on potato chips. Juliet had discovered the visitor and they were both watching Jerry Springer, booing the cheaters and cheering when two people started smacking and yanking each other's hair, the security keeping between them to prevent someone from getting their limbs ripped off.

Holly answered her helmet. "Hiya, sexy."

"I want you NOW!"

"Oohh, finally came around, huh boy?" she asked. "You got a cond-"

"NO!" screamed Artemis. "Butler is hurt!"

Holly flew to where Artemis was. Artemis explained everything and Holly didn't know if it could be done. She called Foaly, who would help.

"Stay out the van, and don't come in," said Holly, shutting the doors.

Foaly instructed Holly to aim a laser beam from the Neutrino to melt a new wound. Holly missed the first time and lasered off his wang.

"HOLLY!" shrieked Foaly. "FOCUS!"

"Ooops," she said. "We'll fix that later." She did what Foaly asked and melted him a bit. Then, as told, Holly put her hands on Butler, as the heat spread, and forced her magic into Butler. Butler's body jerked and flopped on the table. Holly held on for dear life, nearly getting a punch in the face.

Artemis, outside the van, waited anxiously. "Please, Butler, come back." The van stopped shaking. Holly opened the door.

"It worked."

Butler was moaning the table. Holly quickly reattached Butlers wang with magic.

"He'll never notice," said Holly, in response to Artemis's shocked look.

Butler awoke, and was tired, but alive. His face and head had sprouted a lot of gray hairs, which Foaly said was because the healing required some of Butler's actual life force.

Back at Fowl Manor, Mulch was awaiting them.

"Hey listen, I there's a guy outside," he told them, quickly. "He wants to kidnap Artemis so he can force him to unlock the C-Cube."

Suddenly, a man with a gun barged in and aimed at them.

"HEY!" shouted Mulch. "You were supposed to wait until I ate a sandwich, brushed crumbs off my shirt, and accidentally turned on my mike, allowing you to find out that I betrayed you and THEN come barging in. THAT'S HOW THE STORY GOES!"

"Story schmory," said the man. "My name is Slippers and I'm taking you Artemis!"

Juliet came from downstairs, a mud pack on her face. Mulch screamed in horror at the sight of her green face. Juliet smashed the man through the breakfast bar.

"Yay! Juliet saves the day!" Holly punched the air.

"Oh, it's just Juliet," said Mulch, clutching his pounding chest.

Artemis came up with a plan and gave everybody there part in folders to study. Slippers, would have to be relocated to a different place, with his memory wiped, so he wouldn't bother anyone anymore.

Slippers awoke in the African dessert, a massive head ache making him moan in pain. For a moment, his brain projected images of tattoos all over his body, one being a large pink teddy bear on his arm. Then they went away.

"Where am I?"

The plan had been for Holly to drop him off, and the Swahili natives from a local town would find him and accept him into their village, where he would lead a productive tribe. Holly was supposed to make sure this happened, but of course she ended up leaving early, bored and not liking the heat. However, nobody was about, except the natives from a different local village. Cannibals.

The Weeatsyou Tribe was always at war with the other tribe, who were nice, peaceful folk, accepting of anybody else, except for rude buggers who come and try to gnaw your leg off. The nice tribe was supposed to take Slippers in. Ooops.

Some hunters from the Weeatsyou tribe was roaming around, looking for some nice Swahili people to try and kidnap and take home and pop into a pot over the fire, with a few handfuls of spices to flavor things up. They found Slippers instead.

"Ugga! Bugga! Wugga!" said one cannibal, shaking his spear, speaking Cannibalian, which translated to, "Oh, yippee, a human to eat."

"Oggy, uggy, Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon," said the another, which translated to, "Oh, the other white meat! Double yum yum yum yum yum!"

Slippers screamed and ran, but the cannibals were too fast. They grabbed him and took him home, trussed up like a piggy, chanting the whole way, "WEEATSYOU! WEEATSYOU!"

"NOOO!" screamed Slippers in terror.

Holly came back, saying Slippers had been properly assimilated into the Swahili town, which was a lie, since she hadn't stuck around long enough to see that actually happen. Slippers was, by now, in a pot of water, while heathens sprinkled him with salt and pepper and got their bibs ready, salivating, and prepping the fixin's.

The group traveled to America and got ready to implement their plan. Mulch had taken Artemis ahead, pretending to be on Spiro's side, so Artemis could get in. Spiro thought Mulch had kidnapped Artemis.

"You're not so tough now, huh?" asked Spiro, grinning at Artemis, who pretended to be scared. "Thought you were all tough, but all it took was some guys to do the dirty work and now you're mine, and you will undo the eternity code. All right, Chips and Specks, take care of the short guy. Kill 'em so I ain't gotta pay 'em."

"HEY!" shrieked Mulch, pretending to be outraged, although this was all part of the plan.

Specks picked his nose and flicked a speck away. Chips, stepped forward, eating chips. The two thugs grabbed Mulch and hauled him out the building and away, where they would force him to dig his own grave with a shovel.

Chip and Specks had not been hired for their brains. Spiro had told people if they wanted a job, they had to smash a walnut. Both men had placed the walnut between there butt cheeks and smashed it, using their buns of steel to do the job. Chips always said the Butt Buster 5000 exercise device would be good for toning their derrieres. You never know when a toned booty will come in handy.

"Wanna know why I'm called Specks?" asked Specks.

"Uh." Chips frowned. "I know this, hang on."

Specks picked his ear, and finding a speck of earwax on his finger, flicked it off.

"Cause you pick nasty specks out of your orifices and flick them off?" asked Chips.

"Yeah, yeah, wait, what's orifice mean?"

"Wanna guess why I got my name?" asked Chip.

Specks though, picking his nose. "Um, cause you like KFC?"

"No."

"Uh, is it because you're eating chips? Wait, that can't be right."

"It is!" said Chips, gleefully. Then his tone became more somber. "But I only eat chips if they're low sodium, MSG free, fat free, preservative free, artificial color free, trans fat free, injected with all natural special vitamins, including lycopene from organic tomatoes grown in the nutrient rich soil of South America, planted by farmers paid fair wages and given medical and life insurance, in a way that won't harm the natural environment, and then shipped here to America in a special plane that uses solar energy panels to prevent a big carbon foot, and created in a factory that uses solar windmills, further lowering the carbon foot print, and shipped to a store that donates money to homeless children in third world countries to build schools and provide meals, so that the children may grow up smart and strong and make a better world for tomorrow." He shook the snack size package, which cost fifteen dollars and contained only five and a half chips altogether.

Specks head tried to process the long list of information Chips had just relayed. Failing, he fell to the ground, had a seizure, and then his head exploded.

"Whoa," said Chips, emptying the bag and opening another fifteen dollar bag.

Mulch hit Chips over the head with the shovel. "Losers." He looked in the snack bag. "Only five and a half chips, pfft! What a waste of money."

In front of the Spiro building, they were going over the plan.

"Instead of all this planning and doing dangerous stuff, anybody see the sign up front, that says free tours?" Juliet pointed.

Every was dumbstruck, especially Holly, but that was nothing new.

They entered the building.

"Free tours!" said a woman, smiling, a giant pimple on her nose.

"Yes, nice to pimple you-meet you," said Juliet.

The woman frowned. "What?"

"Nothing. Pimple."

The woman sighed. "I'm aware of the giant zit on my face. Get it out your system."

"No," said Juliet, waving her hands, but the urge was too much. "PIMPLE! PIMPLE! PIMPLE! PIMPLE! FREAKIN BLOODY GIANT PIMPLE! I WANT TO CHOP IT OFF AND POP IT AND MAKE SOME CREAM FROM IT FOR A CINNABON!" She grabbed a pencil from the desk and poked it. It popped, squirting white stuff everywhere.

The woman sighed again. "Done?" She got a tissue and wiped the pimple juice up.

"PIMPLE!" screamed Juliet. "Okay, now I am."

There were other people for the tour group, mostly tourists in ridiculous flower shirts, and socks with sandals, oohing and aahing at the many examples of Spiro's tech that he had on display. It was simple matter for the group to split away from the tour group, to try and find Artemis.

"And this is Spiro's first science fair project," said the tour guide, motioning a vinegar and baking soda volcano Spiro had made in fourth grade. "Even before his testicles dropped, he showed a desire to build and design scientific things at a young age."

The group took pictures, marveling at the display, which chose, at that moment, to collapse.

Juliet, Mulch, and Holly ran through the building, trying doors, yelling loudly, despite the fact that guards might hear them.

Artemis, locked in a room with a typical house lock on it, heard them yelling.

"IN HEAR!" he shouted. As torture, Spiro had strapped him to a chair and forced him to watch episode after episode of Robot Chicken. Special little hooks had been placed on his eyelids, to force him to stare at the TV screen.

"I'll SAVE YOU!" said Holly and she and Juliet proceeded to try and kick the door open.

It wasn't budging. Mulch frowned. "Guys, anybody notice the lock? You can unlock from this side by simply turning it." He turned the notch on the dead bolt and opened the now dented door.

"Oh," said Juliet. "Mulch, your too smart in this story, you need to dumb it down a notch."

"How about you smart it up a notch," said Mulch, releasing Artemis from the chair.

They raced through the building. They had to find Spiro.

"He'll likely have a room with voice activation," said Artemis.

"I have a recorder," said Holly, holding up a box of tic tacs.

"That's candy."

"My recorder is made of mint and only one a half calories?" Holly's eyes glazed over, as a look of supreme stupidity took over her face.

"I have one," said Juliet.

"And we need his weight," said Artemis. "For the weight sensitive pad that'll be in front of the door to his lab. That'll be easy. I heard Jon Spiro mumbling to himself about the cake he ate earlier bringing him over two hundred pounds and how he needs to get back on his Weight Watcher plan. Two of us should do it, like me and Holly. And we need his thumb print. So we'll have to cut his thumb off. Oh, and it'll have a retina scanner, so we need his eyeball too."

Holly gasped. "We can't do that!"

"We have too!" snapped Artemis. "We have to get the C-Cube before he figures out how to work it and discovers Haven! Now come on!"

They found Spiro in his bedroom, passed out drunk, and empty bottle of Patron on the table.

"Whoo!" said Holly. "He knows how to party." She eyed the window, which had a window box full of pot plants.

There was a bar with several more bottles of Patron and other name brand liquors and wines on it. Juliet went over and poured herself a shot.

"Juliet, not now!" hissed Artemis.

Holly set her Neutrino. For some reason, Spiro slept butt ass naked. Artemis noticed the porn from earlier on the TV. It was over and had gone to the main menu.

"That's my favorite porn," said Holly, pointing.

"HOLLY!"

"Oh, yeah."

She aimed her Neutrino and tried to slice off Spiro's finger. Again, she missed, as usual, and lopped off Spiro's dong.

"What the heck!" said Artemis. "I'm never letting you operate or doing anything on me!"

Juliet was cramming bottles of expensive liquor, down the front of her shirt and pants.

Holly managed to cut Spiro's finger off, and then popped his eyeball out.

"Oh, wait," said Artemis, looking behind Spiro's head.

"What?" asked Holly.

"The C-Cube was under his pillow," said Artemis, pulling it out.

"We just removed three of his body parts," said Holly, looking annoyed.

"Well, it was SUPPOSED to be two, but SOMEBODY doesn't know how to handle a neutrino."

Holly huffed and stomped over to the bar and crammed a liquor bottle down her suit.

"Come one let's leave," said Juliet, her shirt and pants absolutely bulging with bottles. She clinked when she moved.

"Hang on." Artemis pissed on the bed and then took a dump on the pristine white carpet.

"Much better."

They left and rejoined the tour group. A lot of people stared, realizing Juliet had grown fat and lumpy and Holly, with the liquor bottle resting in the crotch of her suit, appeared to had grown a huge wang.

They figured they'd finish the tour, until Holly knocked a glass display case over and it broke, causing security to chase them out, angry. Juliet tripped half way out the door and fell, shattering every single bottle crammed in her pants and shirt.

"Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch." Juliet ran for the car, dripping with Patron, tequila, Hypnotic, wine, and bourbon. A bum saw this and chased after her, trying to catch drops with his tongue. Mulch beat him off a rolled up newspaper.

"Anybody realize anything?" asked Artemis.

"What?" chirped up Holly.

"We went into a building, did part of a tour, and Holly wasn't disguised at all. Anyone could see she was an elf. So we rescued a device that could have led to the destruction of Haven, and Holly strolls through the building, no disguise."

"Oops." Holly shrugged. "We'll worry later.

They went home. Artemis logged into his computer and bankrupted Spiro, and gave a tip to the police that Spiro was smoking and growing weed. He would be arrested the next day.

Holly yanked the bottle of Cruzan 151 rum from her pants. "Let's parrtaaay!"

"Holly, go home," said Artemis. "I'm too young to drink."

Holly grabbed him and forced several gulps down his mouth. "Drink up, wussy! Stop being a wet noodle!"

The bottle was soon emptied. Butler, still recovering from his ordeal, got up and went to this window, fingering the Kevlar melded into his chest. Butler had gotten it from a fellow friend from a place called Nass County. Only some of the red lettering had been melded into Butlers chest, so now it looked like he had ASS tattooed in red across his chest. He looked out the window, and saw Holly and Artemis running butt naked across the grounds, shouting gleefully.

"What the fu-" he began.

But, unfortunately, Root had ordered Artemis and his pals be mind wiped, so Holly wouldn't get to see her pal anymore.

"He's too much of a liability," Root had roared, his face the color of a beet as usual.

Artemis and Butler had taken precautions. They laid the usual traps, hoping the fairies wouldn't find them: a time capsule outside, encrypted files in the computer explaining about the fairies, and a diary of the fairy events hidden under Butler's bed. Holly and the others found everything, of course, except for the mirrored lens Artemis and the others put in their eyes, to fool anybody who tried to _mesmer _them.

Holly did the _mesmer_ while Foaly and his techs fiddled with the mind wipe device.

"Do you have any other things lying about to trigger memories?" asked Holly.

Artemis smiled and pretended to be under the effects of the _mesmer _even though he wasn't, due to the mirror contacts. "No, nothing. Just the files in the computer, the time capsule, and the diary under Butler's bed."

"Do you like me?" asked Holly.

"Meh," said Artemis.

"Meh doesn't mean no!" said Holly, gleeful. "Okay, wipe 'em."

Foaly did so, but didn't realize he'd screwed up on Juliet a little. But she'd be okay in the long run.

_Sometime later:_

Artemis wrote in his diary.

_"Got up, took a massive dump. Had to check to be sure I hadn't crapped out my innards. I must tell Butler to lay off the spices in the food. I now know exactly how it feels when a woman gives birth. I told my mother this and she just scoffed at me. _

_ Also, mirrored contacts fell out of mine, Butler, and Juliet's eyes. More strange, Juliet, who can do her make up in under a minute, came downstairs with red lipstick on her eye lids, concealer on her lips, and eye shadow smeared on her face. She had used a neon orange Sharpy to outline her eyes instead of eyeliner. She said she couldn't remember how to do her make up properly and Butler had to use steel wool to scrub the Sharpy off her face for her. When her eye area stops bleeding, she says she'll try again, maybe Google how to do it. How odd._

_ My dad comes home soon, and he's all "Let's do our best to make the world a better place." I'll get shipped off to school again and all that crap. What a bother. I shall have to hide my criminal enterprises. My new project consists of stealing a pair of panties from the most famous of movie stars in Hollywood. I shall unleash a wave of panty stealing like the world has never seen before. The Hollywood stars (and their bottoms) shall remember the name of Artemis Fowl II._

The End.

**Hope you liked it. I'll be doing the fourth book, The Opal Deception soon.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception, In Which Opal Thinks She Can Rule the World and Get Away With It.**

** Disclaimer: I totally own Artemis Fowl! *Butler smacks the back of my head* I mean, I don't own Artemis Fowl.**

** Thanks to Painted Cricket, for giving me another idea for the story!**

_The Argon Clinic._

Argon limped toward Opal's cell, ready to his nightly mouth swab. Opal had been in a catatonic state for a long time, and despite her being unable to do anything, they had to check every night that it was her. His arthritis, constipation, and other bodily problems bugged him as he walked. He got close and seen Corporal Grub by the door, video goggles strapped to his face, snoring gently. He was supposed to be keeping guard, but Argon couldn't blame him for watching video goggles. Guarding Opal was boring, although Grub wasn't supposed to fall asleep.

"Hey, wake up," said Argon, poking him.

"Huh? Wha-?" Grub started and jerked up. "I would like to write an official complaint that this chair hurts my back."

Argon sighed and punched the code into the door. Merv and Scant, two pixies who worked there, cleaning, gave their usual hellos.

"How are you doing?"

Argon sighed. "Well, my hip hurts, my gouts acting up, my arthritis is killing me, I'm constipated to the point where Metamucil can't do anything, I need a new pair of glasses-"

"Great, you're doing great," said Merv, smiling falsely.

Argon entered into Opal's cell, where she was drooling in her gel harness. She'd been like this for ages.

"Any witty quips for my book?" asked Argon. "Hmm? No."

He swabbed her mouth and checked the DNA. It was Opal no doubt. As usual.

He left the room (Grub was snoring again) and was about to the shut the door when the power went out.

"Whoa, power failure," said Merv, brushing against Argon. A small, dissolvable sedation pad ended up on Argon's wrist. He would be paralyzed for a few minutes and awake, not noticing the time lapse.

"Let do this," said Merv. "Wait, do we really want Opal back?"

Scant thought. "Well, we don't have a choice."

"But the bad guy never wins," said Merv. "And most henchmen meet a horrible end, or end up in prison. In this case, it's us."

Scant shivered, imagining a big, scary, muscle bound fairy leering at him in the prison showers while he bent over to get a bar of dropped soap. "We have too, otherwise there is no story and the fanfic author will be extremely displeased."

_*Juliegirl22 scowls at Merv and Scant on her computer and nods. "Better get a move on."*_

Merv opened up the false bottom of his cleaning cart. An Opal clone was shoved in. He yanked her out. Scant got the real Opal out of her harness and cut out the tracker in her arm. Merv placed it in the clone and used a quick spark of magic to seal the wound. The real Opal was shoved unceremoniously into the cleaning cart. Somehow her head and ass were pointing up. Merv slapped her several times in the face.

"WAKE UP!" he bellowed, then held a battery powered alarm clock near end, while it played a blaring wake up tune.

Opal began to moan.

"Zap her," said Merv.

Scant used a buzz baton and zapped her ass.

"I'm awake!" slurred Opal.

The clone was locked into the harness and everything appeared normal.

Merv covered Opal up in the cleaning cart. Suddenly, Argon came too again.

The power came back on.

"Oh, good it's back," said Argon, no recollection that he'd been paralyzed for a few minutes. "Grub! WAKE UP!"

"I'm awake!" Grub jerked and motioned to his video goggles. "Just watching Family Guy. The dad has chin like balls."

"Yeah, that's great, but try not to fall asleep." Argon shut the door and locked it and left.

Merv and Scant breathed a sigh of relief. In a minute, Grub passed out again, drooling on his uniform.

Merv and Scant brought Opal to their home and yanked her out of the cart.

"Finally," said Opal. "Call the surgeon."

"Are you sure-?" began Merv.

"DON'T question me!" snapped Opal, pouring herself a glass of water from the pitcher Scant brought. "I've thought long and hard about this, and I want it done."

Merv and Scant looked each other.

"You're wish is our command."

_Germany_

Artemis and Butler drove to a bank. Artemis had already stolen a pair of panties from his favorite Hollywood celebs. They were mounted and framed in a special panty trophy room in the manor. But he had grown bored and needed a new challenge.

His new goal was a porn magazine. But not just any porn magazine, the FIRST porn mag ever created, made in 1901, black and white photos of naked ladies. It had been stolen several times by various people. The odd thing, the thief of said porn mag never sold it for money. They always kept it, usually in the bathroom on top of the toilet, in case needed. If Artemis succeeded today, he would be the youngest person ever to steal it. Few people knew of its existence. Fewer knew where it was. And even few attempted to steal it. He would succeed. He smiled at the idea.

"All ready?" asked Butler.

"Yes," answered Artemis. His contacts had told him the man that owned it now had transferred it a bank deposit box, likely afraid someone would steal it.

Artemis was dressed in typical teenage boy fashion, something he detested. He had on a bag shirt and super baggy pants that were about five sizes too big. The waist sagged dreadfully low, showing off his blue boxer clad bum. He wore high tops and a baseball cap, turned sideways. He mussed his hair up and adopted a slouch. He had a backpack with typical teenage items, although some of the items were really used for stealing things. He had fake braces on and looked like the typical teenager that sits in class and ignores the teacher, doodling penises in his notebook.

Butler was dressed impeccably in a Hugo Boss suit, pretending to be the boy's father. They had everything planned.

They walked across the marble floor of the bank (Artemis slouched and slumped his way across, trying to walk like a teenager). They stopped at the counter. The German man looked up.

"May I help you?"

"Yes, I need to look in my deposit box," said Butler, handing over items of identification.

The attendant typed into his computer. "Is this your son?"

"Yes," said Butler. "Stand up straight!"

Artemis remained slouching, looking moody.

"How are you today young man?" asked the man.

"Sup, dawg, fo shizzle my nizzle," said Artemis, using slang he heard on TV before.

Butler rolled his eyes. "I don't know what to do with him. I can't wait until he's grown and I can ship him off to the army. Maybe he'll learn some respect then."

"Don't bet on it. Word." Artemis was trying to talk in the way he imagined teenage boys did.

The attendant gave a false smile. "How lovely."

They entered into the elevator, the attendant (who was obviously afraid of confined spaces) sweating and farting, he was so nervous. Butler and Artemis stumbled from the elevator, gasping, desperate for fresh air untinged with the hideous odors of a person who had tacos for lunch.

More security checks. A guard rifled through Artemis's pack, looking at the ordinary teen age boy things in there.

"Porno mags, Game boy, scooter, keys, you can't have those, you'll get them back later, hot pockets, a large pizza with extra cheese and pepperoni, jumbo box of condoms, Mad magazine, okay, go on through, you got three minutes."

Butler and Artemis entered into the safe deposit room. Butler had requested it a few days after finding out the fabled porno mag was transferred here. Artemis went through a complicated process of opening the safe deposit box the porno was in, a process the fanfic author is too lazy to get into, because she is grumpy and has run out of coffee and is sending husband to the store to buy more.

…

…

…

Now that fanfic author has more coffee and husband is happily playing Xbox, the story may continue.

"I have it at last!" said Artemis pulling a small plastic tube. The porno was rolled up neatly. Artemis could see a bit of the cover, a black and white photo of a lady in a sexy negligee.

"Hurry up," whispered Butler holding up a huge paper drawing of some building. "My arms are getting tired and I have to take a crap."

Artemis stuffed it in his back pack. "Okay."

Butler finished pretending to look at things in his own box and they exited. Artemis got his keys back.

"Y'all have a nice day and come back now, ya hear?" said the German man, who strangely now had a southern accent.

"Word," said Artemis. "Keep it on the down low."

His fake braces popped out at that moment. The attendant looked strangely at Artemis who grabbed them, brushed as much dirt off as he could and crammed them back onto his teeth.

"Keepin' it real," he said, following Butler.

The attendant and security guard shrugged. There couldn't be anything weird about braces that just popped out like that. Braces couldn't be used to pick a lock. No, not all, not in a million years. Nothing odd at all, especially not in a bank filled with money, diamonds, toenail clipping collections and whatever else people kept in there safe deposit boxes.

Artemis and Butler went back to the hotel. They had been here originally on a school trip. Artemis had sent the school a wad of money with a note that said the school should use it to take the boys on a school trip. After the principle had skimmed some money off the top to pay for his drug habit, the rest was used for the trip. But Artemis would probably play sick and they could go home early.

"Sweet," said Artemis, peeking in his back pack. Then remembering he didn't have to pretend to be a normal teenager, reverted to normal speech. "I'm now the youngest person in history to have stolen this."

"Good job," said Butler. "You have an old porno."

In the hotel, Artemis looked at the tube. He stuck in a needle and took a sample of the air inside. Nothing odd. He popped the tube open and pulled it out.

"Whoa," he breathed, his pubescent brain enjoying the images inside of naked ladies.

Butler was planning to snatch the porno for some alone time when Artemis wasn't around, then his soldier sentences started tingling. He looked out the window. A missile was heading toward the room!

Butler grabbed Artemis and a mattress of the bed and headed for a window. Artemis squealed like a girl.

"My porn mag!"

Butler jumped out, using the mattress to hopefully soften their landing.

"Nooo!" said Artemis as everything went into slow motion for a moment. The missile hit the room, the porn mag, the half eaten jar of caviar Artemis had been nibbling on, and everything else exploded.

They fell and landed on the roof of a small storage shed. The mattress didn't do a whole lot for protection.

_Haven_

While those thrilling and exciting events were happening above ground, other things were happening below ground.

"General Scalene has escaped," Foaly was saying.

Holly, the dumbest (and possibly sluttiest) elf in the LEP, stared. "Whaaaa-?"

Root lit a nasty fungal cigar. It smelled like old socks that been worn for a fortnight and then buried in a litter box. "He's gone."

"Boohn went to visit him," said Foaly, pointing at the in and out list. "He left after eight."

"It's says seven thirty," said Holly, looking at entirely different portion of the list.

"Huh?" Foaly looked again. "By golly, your right! There are two different leave times. But it's probably a glitch."

"Well, look at the video," said Holly.

Foaly did so. Video showed Boohn leaving at seven thirty, gray and nervous. After eight, it said he left again. Foaly pulled the video.

"Why is all he green now?" asked Holly.

Foaly enlarged the image. Indeed, "Boohn" was green now. He appeared to be holding bits of skin at his waist.

Root stared. "Boohn must have shed his skin and-"

"Scalene put it on and left and the scanners thought it was Boohn but it was really Scalene wearing Boohn's shed skin!" said Holly, in a rare (very, very rare) flash of insight.

Root stared at Holly for a moment, flabbergasted at such brilliance in Holly. "Play the video."

The goblin holding the skin ran toward a car, tripped over a loose edge and fell. The skin fell off, revealing it was Scalene.

"They fooled my scanners!" said Foaly, stomping hoof in irritation.

"Someone's budget is getting cut," said Root.

Later, Root got a phone call, Trouble had found Scalene and he was in an old tunnel and wanted to talk.

"I need someone to bring with me," said Root. All other officers were busy. That left-

Root sighed. "Holly, come on."

Holly cheered. "Yay! A mission."

Root pointed the cigar at her. "You have to promise something."

Holly nodded. "Sure, anything."

"Painted Cricket said some of the running jokes are getting old, SO NO CUTTING ANYONE'S WANG OFF!" snapped Root. "GOT IT!"

"Awww-"began Holly.

"No _awwws,"_ said Root.

"But-"

"No _buts,_ either," continued Root.

"Fine," grumbled Holly, folding her arms. "It's not like I did it on purpose anyway…"

Root sighed again and puffed his cigar. "Also, I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're up for promotion."

Holly gaped. "Really?" The "alone time" she'd spent with Root in his office a few weeks ago must have paid off.

"I promised you, so you know," Root mumbled. "But let's see how you do on this mission."

Holly thought a moment, and suddenly wondered, did she _really _want to be a major. As a normal officer, she got to go above ground for missions sometimes, which was awesome, and gave her a chance to peep into Artemis's window sometimes. Since he had been mind wiped, she couldn't see him anymore, but enjoyed peeping at him when he was undressing at night. He was so hot…

But being major would mean more money to buy more Pokémon pajamas…

Near the entrance to the tunnel, Trouble filled them in, showing them a birthday card that could record messages. It was Scalene saying he wanted to talk. Root agreed to go in and take Holly.

Holly had another rare brilliant insight. Boy she was on a roll today.

This could all be a trap! But then Holly dismissed that. Nah, no way it was a trap.

Root and Holly entered, fully suited up. Scalene's limp form was up against the wall, a monitor strapped to his chest. Opal's face popped up and she laughed and suddenly the monitor flew to Root's chest, strapping Octo bonds around his body, squeezing. Root grunted.

Opal giggled. "Foaly can't see me, it'll just look like interference, and he can't hear nothing. Holly, Root, your screwed. You walked into a trap. And Artemis and Butler are about to die from a missile any moment!"

Holly gasped and dithered. What could she do?

"No!" she shouted while Root's magic healed the bones the Octo bonds broke, although they were rebroken a second later, as they kept squeezing.

"If you shoot the right area, at the bottom center of this monitor, it will release him," said Opal. "Buuuut…if you miss, it speeds up the countdown and he quicker." Numbers began ticking down in the corner.

"You have a miiiinuuute," giggled Opal.

Root gasped for air. "Holly, save yourself. She's lying."

Holly got teary. She really liked Root. "I have to try!"

She aimed her gun and fired.

"OOOUCH!" screamed Root, holding his manhood. "You zapped my crotch!"

Holly winced. "Sorry."

"You promised!" yelled Root.

"I didn't cut it off!" Holly shouted back. "I only zapped it."

She tried again and aimed where Opal said to hit. She fired, her aim true for once. The numbers only sped up."

Opal laughed. "I lied!"

Root stood up. "Holly, go save Artemis and Butler, and stop Opal."

"Root!" blubbered Holly.

"Be well, Holly," said Root. The number reached zero. Holly was already running. The device exploded…

Foaly, only having visual and not able to hear anything that happened, thought Holly shot Root. It couldn't be-no!

Holly made it above ground, crying. Opal had taken Root, but she wouldn't get Artemis.

A small floating TV orb found Holly and Opal yelled more insults. Holly ripped her helmet off and stuck it over the orb. It exploded, hurting Holly, but her magic fixed it. At least it didn't kill her. Now she had to find Artemis.

She found him, lying on his back, draped over Butler inert form. The missile must have missed and Butler had managed to save them. Butler was alive, but knocked over. Artemis, however, was in bad shape. His ribs had snapped and a couple were poking through the skin. Holly healed him and picked up and whisked him off.

Artemis awoke in a room later with what appeared to be a glass window. He was somewhere in Temple Bar, overlooking the Dublin quays.

In the corner, a small girl was crying, sitting in a chair, hunched up.

"Why are you crying?"

Holly jerked. "Oh you're awake, Artemis!"

"How do you know my name?"

Holly's shoulders slumped. That's right, the mind wipe. He had no idea who she was. How sad.

She looked into his handsome face. "You don't remember me, but I'm Holly." She explained some things to him, but he just looked at her.

"I don't remember any of this," he said. "You could be playing with my mind."

"I'm not!" blubbered Holly. "I just wish you remembered me!"

Butler, on the shed, finally woke up. People got near, trying to figure out what happened. Of course, after Butler threatened to sue and asked for witnesses, they quickly cleared off. Butler took a plane back to Ireland and got to Fowl Manor, where he found that someone had been in the house.

The alarm panel was covered in some sort of whitish stuff that had caused it short out. Butler drew his weapon and proceeded cautiously. There seemed to be a trail of food leading around the manor, empty caviar containers, an empty bread bag, a rind of cheese with several bites taken out, a roast chicken carcass, half a chocolate cake, a whole roast cow carcass picked clean. What burglars broke into a house and then got hungry?

Butler heard mumbling in the office and saw a short, hairy man waving around a cow leg.

Butler attacked the culprit and handcuffed him to a chair until Mulch made him realize who he was and told him to look at some video. Mulch had a golden disk that was really a computer disk. Artemis had given it to him.

"I can't believe I couldn't remember you!" said Butler, after watching it. "Good to see you! Just keep the back end away from me."

"Will do," said Mulch. "There's a message on the answering machine."

Butler checked it. It was Artemis, talking about where he was and he mentioned Holly and suddenly there was an explosion and a higher pitched voice in the back ground talking.

"Opal," said Mulch, going wide eyed.

Where Artemis and Holly was, the side of the wall had exploded and Opal was there, furious that her plan to kill them had failed. So instead of just shooting them right then and there and ending it, she had an elaborate plan that would give a small chance to escape, a small chance yes, but still a chance.

Before they were knocked out, Holly noticed Opal's ears were short and rounded like a-like a…. what was that word? Oh, yeah, like a _human._ What she didn't know was that Opal had a human pituitary gland in her now, causing her to look more human. She would start to grow taller too.

Artemis and Holly were taken to the Eleven Wonders Theme Park, an old decrepit place that was filled with broken down fair equipment and trolls, tons of hungry, horny trolls.

Opal doused them in some nasty liquid that smelled like horny troll ladies.

"Have fun being humped to death," said Opal. "They're dumb, but when they do eventually realize you're not a troll, they'll eat you. Byeee!"

She went to her shuttle to watch the events, while gnawing her way through a whole jar of truffles.

"Are these organic and responsibly produced in a factory that uses solar panels for energy to reduce their carbon footprint?" asked Opal.

"Uhh…" began Scant.

"Yeah, sure," said Merv, although in truth he had just picked them up at the Mal-mart, which was the Haven version of Wal-mart, and pretty much the same, right down to the customers who come in wearing pajama's at two in the afternoon and the grumpy workers who seem to quickly run and hide the minute you have a question.

"Good, I shall eat these and watch my entertainment," said Opal, curling up like a cat in her hover chair. She fingered her new human ears and wondered how many inches she would grow.

Artemis knew something about pheromones and knew there wasn't a big chance of being able to block the smell, but he did what he could. He told Holly and they rolled in the mud.

"What about the cuffs?" asked Holly, yanking on them. "It's a three digit code on most of them, but that could be anything?"

They tried some obvious ones, like 123, but nothing worked.

"What's a number anyone would know?" asked Artemis. "Something every little fairy would know about, like our 911."

"Uhhh…"

"Think! Who would you call like for the authorities or medical help? Or like if someone broke into your house and tried to rob you!"

"Uhhh…"

"HOLLY!"

"Well, I wouldn't remember!" snapped Holly. "I _am _the police! Who am I going to call if something happens, myself?"

For once, Holly had a point.

Holly suddenly remembered and punched the code in on his cuffs. They released. Artemis did the same to her.

Trolls were thundering down the side of a pyramid, lured by the scent of a sexy female troll in heat.

"We have to run somewhere!"

One of the trolls stopped and pointed at them with squinty eyes. He began doing pelvic thrusts doing the you-me signal.

Holly looked terrified. "I'll-I'll hold them off, let them run train or something so you can get away-"

"This is not a time to be slutty!" shouted Artemis.

Another troll was coming with bundle of fake flowers from outside one of the exhibits, making crooning noises. The other troll shoved the competitor, took the flowers and tore them up, then stamped on the pieces. He made the you-me signal with more pelvis thrusts, then noticed his love interest running off.

The troll squinted. His tiny brain said humans. That made him angry. Then he remembered tasting human meat once, a long time ago. That made him hungry. Bad combo…

The rest of the trolls came roaring after Artemis and Holly, who ran through the park and into a river with a strong current. They let themselves get sucked down and found a grating that could lead out, but it had been replaced and soldered shut. Holly tried to roar underwater in rage, but all that happened was a bunch of bubbles escaped her mouth. A TV monitor was strapped to it, with Opal on a short replaying, laughing and shaking her head. Artemis snatched it and they went back to the surface, finding a tiny island made of debris. The trolls hovered near the bank, looking at their quarry. One troll dipped his big toe into the cold water and then howled.

"We got time," said Artemis. He disabled the TV so Opal would shut up. "There's got to be a way out."

_Opal's Shuttle_

Opal called her "father" an Italian man named Giovanni Zito.

He was completely under her mesmer and was going to carry out Opal's plan for domination, barely even knowing it.

After checking that everything was going according to plan, Opal went back to watching her "entertainment."

"What do trolls hate?" asked Artemis.

Holly chewed a finger. "Light?"

Artemis looked up at the fake sun high in the corner, with a service ladder leading to a platform near it. If they could use the power-glow strips from the cuffs to activate it and make it brighter.

"We have to get up there," said Artemis pointing. He activated the TV so it lit up. The trolls had been throwing debris in the water, creating a makeshift bridge.

"GO!" shouted Artemis.

Holly held the TV out and swung it around. The trolls roared, hating the light, and stumbled back, some falling into the water, make huge splashes and howling. Others banged into the ones behind them and started fighting. Holly and Artemis ran to the ladder.

"Don't you remember anything yet?" asked Holly.

Artemis thought. A few images flashed through his brain but then slipped away.

"No, I need time to meditate," said Artemis.

They climbed the ladder, Holly clipped the TV to her belt. The trolls stopped fighting and began to try and climb, so Holly wiggled her ass, causing the TV light to shine around more. A troll squealed and fell off the ladder, landing on his comrades.

They made it to the top, but more trolls were climbing after them. The TV went out suddenly and the platform was loaded with trolls, getting closer…

Suddenly, a panel was removed from the roof and a hairy behind was seen coming down.

"Uh, don't breathe," said Holly.

Artemis held his breathe as a fart of epic proportions was unleashed on the trolls. They howled and roared, the awful stench rendering them incapable of doing anything but collapsing.

"Hurry!" said Mulch. Holly and Artemis grabbed onto the rope. Artemis looking up, saw-

"Butler!" he yelled.

They were hauled up.

On board, Butler gave Artemis a laptop with the disk for him to watch, and Artemis began remembering everything.

"You remember me now!" squealed Holly, jumping onto him.

"Uh, yeah," said Artemis. "I also remember you sneaking into my room and trying to molest me."

"Yay, the sexy man remembers me!" said Holly, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Can't breathe…"

On a human news channel, they found out that a man named Giovanni Zito was sending a probe to the center of the earth. This would mean the humans would find out about Haven!

Artemis had a brilliant plan to find Opal's shuttle. They did a scan of the chute, looking for gasses. One spot had an abnormally large concentration of carbon dioxide.

Another had almost no gasses, probably a vacuum.

And the last had nothing. And it was the size of a ship.

"We got it," said Artemis.

In the shuttle with Opal, she was replaying the video from the Eleven Wonders. She ordered Merv and Scant into the room. Merv set the charges down on a chair. They would need it to detonate the probe that was heading toward Haven.

"Don't look at me!" yelled Opal.

"Yes," muttered Merv and Scant, averting their eyes.

"And stop thinking that!" Opal folded her arms.

Merv kept his brain blank. Scant, who had been wondering if he had time to go in the bathroom and whack off, jumped. Had Opal really known what he was thinking? He resolved to keep his brain blank too.

"Why have some of the cameras failed!?" squawked Opal.

"Uh," began Merv. The footage got the point where the trolls were advancing, then stopped. "Malfunction. But there is no way they would have survived."

"Yep," agreed Scant.

"'Yep' is not a word," said Opal.

Merv suddenly seen a shuttle rise from a holographic outcropping of some rock ahead.

"Shall we blast them?" asked Scant, noticing it as well.

"No," said Opal. "It would allow us to be noticed. Turn off everything, even life support. And whoever is passing wind, please stop, or I will shove a cork up the offender's ass. See if that stops it."

Merv and Scant glanced each other. Neither had farted, but each thought the other was responsible.

Mulch had dug his way through the rock and gotten into the underside of the shuttle port. Inside, he saw there was a lot of jewelry and such. Mulch grabbed a large diamond and swallowed. He could poop that out later and it would come out even shinier.

"Sweet," he murmured to himself.

He crept into the main part. Opal and the twins were too busy gawking out the window. The charges were right on the chair.

Mulch did his work and crept back out.

Opal saw the shuttle leave.

"Wait, it was a distraction!" yelled Opal, whipping around. In the chair, was a communicator.

"Where the back up?"

"They were together," said Merv, cowering.

Where the other charge had been, was now a large dildo.

Opal screamed angrily and stomped her feet.

Mulch had gotten to his own shuttle easily.

"Everything go according to plan?" asked Artemis.

"Yep," said Mulch, rubbing his belly and thinking of the diamond in nestled in there.

"I'm not going to ask why you carry a dildo around," mumbled Holly.

"I was just-h-holding it for a friend!" babbled Mulch.

Opal was having a fit.

"We can still detonate them!" she yelled. "Follow them. If we get close enough, we can blow them up!"

Holly's shuttled suddenly stopped during the chase. The communicator beeped and went red. Opal opened. Artemis strained face appeared.

"We disabled the charges," he said. "Surrender and come with us."

"Screw you," said Opal. "Do you think I'm stupid?"

"At least we'll have full tummies," said Artemis, holding up a truffle wrapper.

Opal's face went red. "Those are my truffles!"

Holly stuck her face next to Artemis, her cheeks absolutely bulging with truffles. She appeared to be vibrating slightly.

"I-I'm not supposed to have sugar!" she said very fast. "But itssogoodandIwantmoooooree!"

"How dare you eat my organic truffles!" fumed Opal.

"I actually just bought them from Mal-Mart," admitted Merv.

"SHUT UP!" roared Opal. "CHECK THE BOOTY BOX!"

Merv opened it. Scant had his finger on the detonation button.

Inside were two charges. Mulch had only moved them.

"NOO!" screeched Opal. Everything seemed to go into slow motion. Scant had his finger on the button and smiled. "Weeee goooot siignalll!" he said in slow motion.

"NOOOOO!" yelled Opal, dropping the communicator. She lunged, slowly, toward Scant and stubbed her toe on a chair. "Oowwwww…"

Scant's finger slowly pushed the button.

Opal quickly strapped herself into the cockpit seat. Luckily, everything wasn't in slow motion anymore. She had a few seconds before the charges actually exploded.

"See ya, dummies."

The gel pods under Merv and Scant's chair activated, propelling them out into the chute. They had just enough oxygen for thirty minutes-if they breathed very lightly.

Merv, who watched a lot of Pokémon, thought of something to shout as their gel pod shot off.

"Merv and Scant are blasting off agaaaaiinn!" he shouted.

"Shut up and stop thinking about Pokémon!" yelled Scant.

Opal activated her own shuttle pod, which was a lot comfier than the one the twins were encased in. Opal activated one last thing before blasting off herself.

Merv and Scant, stuck to the side of the chute now, argued.

"I told you the henchman never get off easy!" Merv snapped.

"But it's our duty to assist the evil megalomaniac." Scant folded his arms.

"Were only doing this because the fanfic author forced us!" Scant shook his fist at the surface, swearing at Juliegirl22.

_*In her living room, Juliegirl22 shrugs and gulps coffee. "Sucks to be you."_

"Opal shot heating seeking missiles at us!" screamed Holly, flying the shuttle as fast as possible. "I don't know if we can outrun it!"

Luckily, Holly had rare smart idea. She cut the engines. They started freefalling.

"We have to cool the engines," said Holly. "I mean, I don't if this will work or not."

Artemis did not feel too safe in the hands of a dumb elf who didn't even know if her plan would work. But he realized it might. With the engines cooling, the missiles might miss them.

The shuttles started to spin, still falling.

"Ohh, I don't feel so good," Holly mumbled, before throwing up chocolate truffles everywhere.

Artemis winced as chocolate vomit splattered the insides of the shuttle, ruining his suit. Butler got smacked in the face with a good glob.

"Argh!"

They nearly hit a large rock outcropping. Holly turned the engines on just in time and the veered, the side scraping the rock.

"That'll buff right out!" yelled Holly. The turbines had to heat back up again and would take a few minutes. The engine temp was still dropping. The missiles were closer.

"Goodbye, everyone!" shouted Artemis, hiding his face.

The missiles veered off at the last second, losing the heat source.

"We made it!" shouted Holly, jiggling in her seat. "Butler?"

Butler was curled up in the fetal position, sucking his thumb. He noticed everyone looking at him and quickly sat up and pretending to be busy brushing puke of his suit.

Trouble was coming in another shuttle and he destroyed the missiles with lasers.

"Fire at will!" shouted Sool, who had taken command of the LEP.

"Hang on," said Trouble, seeing the shuttle Holly was in. It wasn't equipped to shoot heat seeking missiles.

"I SAID FIRE!" Sool shook his fist.

"Shove a cork in it." Trouble cut off communication and attacked a spike to Holly's ship that allowed them to speak.

Holly had to explain everything that happened.

"Technically, you're under arrest until we catch Opal," said Trouble.

"You don't have jurisdiction over us humans," said Artemis.

"Okay, you're our guest," said Trouble.

They were taken to Haven and put under guard in an executive lounge. Foaly rushed in, happy to see them all.

"Where's my medal!?" asked Mulch. "I saved your butts!"

"We'll mention that at your hearing," replied Foaly, hugging them all.

Opal, above ground, steered the shuttle ten miles across the ground, leaking plasma. She finally had to ditch it in a vineyard. A furious woman of forty stared.

"These are my vines!" she yelled. "How dare you fly your little contraption in here and wreck them."

Opal sighed. "Do you have any family?"

The woman put her hands on her hips. "No, nobody. I work these vines alone."

Opal used the mesmer. "I'm your daughter, Belinda. I help you, remember?"

"My daughter?"

"Yes," replied Opal.

"Grab a shovel."

Manuel labor. Hell no!

Opal thought fast. "I'm your pampered daughter. You would never allow me to sully myself with hard work. You're saving me for a rich husband and I couldn't possibly get my finger nails dirty."

The woman scowled. "What is this!? You work now! Grab a shovel or I will lock you in your room with a ton of potatoes to peel and none to eat!"

Opal fumed. The human pituitary gland she'd had planted in herself was causing her magic to run out.

Opal had to spend a week as a servant to her new "mother." This meant cleaning out the smelly pigs sty as well and massaging the woman's gnarled, crusty feet. Her nails were cracked and dirty. By the time the LEP got there, she ran out to meet them, squealing for them take her away from this horrible lady who made her work.

After Root's funeral, Holly marched to Sool's office and ripped her badge off.

"I quit!"

"Good, go," said Sool.

"Don't go!" blubbered Foaly. "You might be the dumbest and sluttiest, but we need you!"

"I can do more on my own," said Holly. She turned to Mulch. "Want to work with me? You've got underworld connections."

Mulch puffed himself up. "Yeah! But wait, I'm not a sidekick, am I? Juliegirl22 will surely have some kind of horrid end for me if I do."

*_Gulping more coffee in her living room, Juliegirl22 giggles evilly. Husband, playing X-box, looks over at her weirdly.*_

"Full partner," said Holly.

"Sweet," said Mulch.

Artemis and Butler had to go. They were sedated and Artemis awoke in Fowl Manor.

He lay in his bed, realizing he still remembered everything. It was nice to just relax; there weren't any mad pixies chasing him, no trolls trying to hump him to death…

Something buzzed in his pants by crotch. He jerked, startled, and realized it was a communicator. He opened it.

"Hey, sexy!" said Holly, dreamily. "I planted that on your crouch when you were passed out. Enjoy the vibrating?"

" No," said Artemis.

"Listen, I need help," said Holly. "We have our first client and-"

Butler burst in, weapon drawn.

"It's just Holly on the communicator," said Artemis.

"Oh," said Butler, looking out the window. "We need to get our story straight as to why were home from Germany early. You're parents are here."

"Uh, STD?" asked Artemis.

"Why would you have-" began Butler.

"You got it," said Artemis.

Butler scowled. "Let's just say you got homesick."

"Listen, I call you back in a few hours," Artemis told Holly.

"Yeah, and maybe we could have communicator sex," said Holly, rubbing her boob so Artemis could see it.

"Let's not," said Artemis.

"I'll get you one of these days!" said Holly.

Artemis went downstairs, where his mother was waiting.

"Arty, I bought you some low rise jeans and a backwards hat!" she called. "And they're skinny jeans, guaranteed to cut off all circulation to that man bits."

Artemis groaned, but it was good to be home.


End file.
